On Auto Mechanics

There's a french writer named Guy de Montaigne who titles all of his essays "On ______", and since this isn't really a writing post I'm telling you this writing fact. You're all so very welcome.

But really, I kind of just wanted to rant today, because I don't think I've ever had a good experience with an auto mechanic. As much as I'd like to believe that gender roles are dispersing and that it has nothing to do with me being a girl, all the evidence indicates otherwise. Every. Single. Time.

When the alternator (translation for the car illiterate, like me: this is what makes your battery run, so when the alternator gives out the battery can't... charge? translation of translation: Your car won't start.) in my car gave out about a year ago, we towed it to a mechanic I used a couple times before. He charged me up the wazoo for the fix, and I found it for much cheaper elsewhere just by calling and telling him, "Look, I need the alternator replaced and I'm not stupid. I have the new alternator, how much to fix it?" Let's just say, having an old car sucks sometimes.

My power steering gave out last Thursday, and at first I had a bit of a hard attack because it sounded like I was running over a mechanical cat at first. So, of course at first I was like, "Oh no, poor mechanical kitty!" but then I reasoned this was silly, and instead I wondered what was wrong with my car until turning the wheel was about as fun as shining an old pair of tennis shoes, bad analogy and all. So, at least I figured that out all by myself. It was the next part that became tricky.

Let it be known to any female who doesn't know a thing about cars that there is an easy way to figure things out without having to do much. It can be done in an easy five steps, as follows:

1. Be female. If you are, like half the population of earth, male, this might require more effort, or you might just have to use other means. For that, I'm sorry.

2. Have problem. This can be anything from a flat tire to having your power steering not work, but there should indeed be a problem. Or, there doesn't have to be a problem if you want to get a laugh, or if you're hoping to meet your One and Only via Car Problem Diagnoserosa. Though uncommon, the movie Are We There Yet? proves this feat to be possible. Hopefully minus the electrocution.

3. Pop open the hood of your car. This tells other drivers passing by that there is a problem, too.

4. Stand in front of hood and look like you have no idea what you're doing. If you're me this is easy because you don't. By no means should you touch anything inside, because it might confuse people into thinking you do know what you're doing. Instead, you can look inside all confused-like and bob your head in and out of looking. Scratching your head might not hurt either. Or, you can put your phone up to your ear and bite your nails while looking off into the distance.

5. Wait no more than five minutes. Zing! (And when they ask if you need help, you should probably say yes. probably. Unless you like to be confused.)

Speaking of doing it as a joke, I think it might be kind of fun to just pull off on the highway and try this, just to see how many problems you can fake diagnose your car with by telling the people who stop, "Uh, there was a weird noise" or "There was some steam coming out from the hood." I may or may not try this. One day.

Anyway, after the boy who stopped told me that the pump was probably out, I decided to find the cheapest rate. This, I thought might be okay, because often when one asks about pricing the salesperson realizes they're competing. Today, I felt like such a nuisance to the salesman.

"Heeey, this Jose! How can I help you, man?"

Okay, one, Man? I haven't even spoken yet!

"I need a new power steering pump for my Infiniti G20, '92. How much?"

"Uh, lez see here... we have on in Salt Lake, can be here by 10:30 AM tomorrow. Is good with you?"

"Awesome. How much, though?"

"Oh, is _____ with ______ we'll refund if you bring the old one back. You sure it's a pump you need and that it's not low on fluid?"

Okay, I might not know TONS about cars, but I know enough to realize how stupid this question was. "Gosh sir! I didn't even think to check! Good thing you asked, because I was too stupid to think about the easy solution before ordering a new part," is what I think he must have expected me to say. Instead, I go, "Um, yeah. I checked the fluid."

"Well, was wrong with your car? Is hard to turn?"

And I'm sure he expected me to say, "No, it's really easy to turn. Like, as easy as doing donuts in ice. I'm just asking for a new pump in case one day I need it. You know, to be safe, because you just never know."

But, because I'm not passive aggressive enough to pull that off, I said, "Obviously."

And then, what bewilders me most is that he told me to come into the shop to order it. I asked if I could over the phone, and he goes:

"Yeah, you can, I jus' wanna make sure it's really what you need."

Okay. Really?

I'm thinking: "Hey, I just told you my car is broken. Which is why I'm asking you for a part... because my car. is. broken."

If I was meaner, I would have said so, but I'm not mean to people I don't know (to their face), so I just said, "Okay, I guess I'll come in later."

But I totally wasn't going to, so my brother in law called in later and asked for it, and they didn't tell *him* to bring the car in *just in case*.

I really don't know what all this ranting is for, except to tell you that I'm so frustrated with jacked up prices that magically go down for males, for all the unnecessary inconveniences that males don't have to endure, and mostly to whine that my car needs fixing tomorrow which means I have to either play candy crush in the shop all day or walk home. And maybe someone might feel a little sympathy and offer me a ride back.

Smiley face.

Anyway. I guess the good thing about having an old car is that I'm learning a lot about them. I now know about mufflers, alternators, tires, power steering, and oil changes. Hooray!

Next post will be more awesome, I promise.